Ann just left, crying. Really what the fuck is wrong with me. She came over and we were going to watch Saw, and drink, and everything was going to be great.
Okay, several things are going through my mind right now. Why do I feel that it's necessary to open up to her so much. What am I trying to accomplish? She pushes me to say every little thing on my mind, but then when I do, she ends up starting to cry, and running away. I hate the fact that I have no idea what's going through her head, and that that drives me crazy. I hate that I feel like I need to unload on her every little thing that I'm thinking. Okay, we get it, I'm fucking insanely crazily in love with this girl, she's not in love with me, and I have to keep pushing it.
Two whys come to mind. Why the hell am I doing this, I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about her, why don't I just fucking stop putting myself in that situation? Why do I think that TELLING HER HOW I FEEL (ugh break every fucking rule and I'm SURPRISED that I'm heartbroken??) is going to have a positive effect? Somehow like she doesn't fucking know how I feel, and telling her is going to make her go crazy and jump on me? NO.
Why was my vision of the evening this:
She comes over, we start drinking, we watch saw, she's horny, I'm horny, we fuck. Why was I deluding myself into thinking that that was a likely scenario? Fuck, I wanted that all fucking week. I even bought fucking condoms. Yeah +1 for optimism, -1000 for fucking realism.
Dude. Future Jeremy, if you're reading this. For fuck's sake. FOLLOW THE FUCKING SYSTEM.
Ann can't possibly be worth this. Jill sure wasn't, Samm wasn't. Why is she any different? She isn't. You're going to meet another girl. She's going to love you, possibly forever, possibly not, but don't fucking fall into that trap.
DON'T TRY TO KEEP SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO KEEP YOU.
It's your fault you felt bad tonight. I hope to God that when you reread this that you've smartened up.