I've debated keeping a journal, or a blog throughout the last few years, but never really kept to anything. I think this is probably a decent place to do that, as I highly doubt any of my friends still uses livejournal, and if any of you do, and you read this, hey, we should get together! I'm sure it's been far too long.
I think that the point of the journal, as always, is going to be for me to jot down everything that's going on with me romantically, so that I can have a chronology, and let's face it, a decent laugh at myself down the line. I don't really have an active outlet for writing, and perhaps I could do well to have this. This is probably also influenced by the current torment of my life, who has a very literary focus, but any inspiration for a (hopefully) positive change is good, even if it's silly.
I don't know that I could honestly go into the level of detail that I would have had I kept this thing up, so there's going to be a pretty big gap here, as far as my dating life is concerned. I will rough out an outline of everything briefly, and may come back and fill in some details, but it may just work out to pick up from the present, rather than capture the past incorrectly.
To whomever is reading this. I don't have a good idea of who my target audience is. Maybe this is just for myself, maybe this is for future kids when they think their dating problems are bad, maybe this is a way for a future woman to get to know me better (this I doubt, I can't imagine that seeing my thoughts and feelings about other women would be a beneficial thing to a relationship, but who knows).
I'll start with a brief summary of my life during my 21st year:
-I moved into my first apartment with my roommate Jeremy Kent. We got along well, and had a pretty good run. As far as women were concerned, Jill was a occasional feature, and I probably harbored some feelings towards Samm, though she wasn't available. I started working at the Virginia Credit Union, and met a few girls there, both members of the bank, and co-workers.
-I moved into an apartment by myself when Jeremy moved in with Amanda (who he later married). I remember a few choice moments, ranging from Donovan fucking some random girl on my couch whilst the girl I was supposed to be with was drunk passed out/puking in my bathroom. I think I got the losing end of that deal. She had issues (like every girl I seem to pick up) anyway, so it was probably for the best. I met a girl named Amanda online (on Match.com), and after a slow start (where she had another guy over on our 2nd date and I stopped calling her) we somehow started dating, and dated for a few years.
-I moved to Northern Virginia at some point for a job, and ended up basically living like a homeless person out of my truck for a few months (more about this to come later probably), but continued dating Amanda until around Christmastime. She made out with some guy at a party, and I was stressed by the long distance (and the fact that she didn't enjoy sex), and we ended things on fairly good terms (we're still friends, and she's actually getting married in a few months). Jill popped in here and there afterwards.
-Random Jill encounters, though distance and our personalities made it pretty clear that a real relationship would never happen, but whatever we're friendly still. Summer comes around and I meet Ann. Oh Ann. Ann probably requires more explanation than I feel this post will do justice, so I'll just leave it at, more will probably follow. Short version is that we meet online (Okcupid.com) and date until February or so, then we proceed to have a hard time de-tangling.
-Ann starts dating someone else, so we stop speaking. Jill again around briefly. (Haha I refuse to learn my lesson) I meet a girl Claire online (okcupid.com) I'm just not attracted to her so after a short period I break things off, though she's pretty in to me (which is nice for a first) and I end up keeping her around longer than I probably should, until I finally cement things as friend only. Then for some reason Ann and I start speaking again, and really more complicated nonsense than I can fit here ensues.
-Ann complicated nonsense ensues. Around November Ann and I make a serious run at dating again, which goes horribly wrong, though we remain friends, there's no spark. Ann moves a few streets away from me, and that just about brings us up to date.
I *REALLY* cut down the Ann stuff. I really don't know where to begin on that, but it brings us to the present, so I'll just pick up here as if the reader knows everything, and if I'm feeling it, will elaborate later.
Ann just left. I told her that I was going to be looking for a job somewhere other than Northern Virginia, and made it clear that the reason I was doing that was to get away from her. Not from a 'fuck you if you don't want to be with me' standpoint, but from a 'If I'm so in love with you and it's not happening I really need to get away to get over you'. She seemed upset, but maintained that she had no interest in being with me, which I know, and I'm not upset about. Moving away is a drastic move, but it's something I probably have to do to actually move on, as nothing else has worked. She seems convinced that this won't be the end for us, and while I would love to think that, the truth is that if it were meant to be, we should just be together. No relationship that's healthy is this complicated. I've debated simply telling her that I moved without actually moving, but I think she'd probably catch wind of that in short order.
The whole deal has taught me several things. I probably broke every rule of the System going after her, and I repeated my mistakes over and over again, and all I'm getting for it is pain, so hopefully this will reinforce my resolve for next time. Again, the point of this writing is to give me an outlet besides Ann, or my friends to go to.
There are things that I think that I have improved. Jill was not a perfect angel by any stretch of the imagination, but as I look back on some of the writing, and some of the approaches I took towards her when we were together, I can see that I have changed. I was pretty horrible to her at times, and I didn't care, I was self-righteous about it, that's something that I hope I've improved on with age. I haven't changed the fact that I'm striking out with women, and that I feel the need to 'whine' about it here, though of all the things I could do, that can't possibly be the worst.
Here's hoping that the next few posts are something interesting and new dating related, though as I type this I know they'll be about Ann, until I can better untangle. And if it helps, fuck it.