Pretty much everyone saw it coming and knows by now, and if not now you do, Jill and I "broke up" again and finally today, exactly one year to the day of when we first got together. It was a confusing end to a confusing relationship - and I think I can safely say that there is probably more confusion in store for us, if we remain a part of the other's lives.
We both like each other. Even now. A lot. She still wants to be friends of course, and I don't know how to handle that. I'm hoping that the LJ community of 4 people that read my sorry excuse for a rant/whine journal can help me on this one. My 'normal' way of dealing with this sort of thing would be to walk out of her house of her life and not speak to, or interact with her in any way. This would be in an attempt to forget about her, what she means to me, and how she makes me feel. I have done this before. I did this to Samantha, and am still sorry that I did. Samm - I know you read my journal - I know that was one of the bigger mistakes of my life, and I am sorry. I am truly glad that, even though we don't see each other as often as we should, we are still friends again, and want you to know that.
Back to Jill though - I don't want to repeat my mistake with Samm. I also don't want to take what some have told me is the 'dick' path and not interact with her. This is so confusing. I know the obvious solution would be "well then Jeremy, simply don't do that" but even that is difficult. Whenever I see her i'd have to tread lightly - attempt to seal myself off from any feelings I have about her. I have many feelings about her, as I mentioned before, we both still like each other. I kissed her tonight, to see if maybe - just maybe - it wouldn't be good - and I could use that as a basis for driving her out of my mind. That plan failed horribly. All I could think about while kissing her was how wonderful the feeling was and how I wanted more. And that is not going to be acceptable if I'm to continue being friends with her. Brent - I don't remember why you and her broke up the first time, but i know that in the meanwhile you guys were just friends, how did you do that? Did you just suppress your feelings? Was the breakup for good enough reason that it didn't pose a problem?
"Moving out" of her apartment was difficult - I had a lot of things left over there and I felt like a bad guy for taking some of the stuff back. I don't really have much use for another playstation, and will probabably end up selling it - Is it a bad thing that I didn't just leave it with her? I of course didn't take anything that I gave her, but some of the things I was letting her borrow I at least assume were part of her life in a large way. She used the PS/2 to play DVDS, she used the computer to play World of Warcraft, and check out myspace, and work on her game plasma stuff. I don't even know what I'm going to do with ANOTHER computer, I don't really need it like the extra ps/2, but I don't feel like I should have just given it to her. AARGH. It's all just STUFF, but it seemed important at the time to get it all back.
Now I feel as though I am rambling. I know Jill is going to read this - and I don't know if that even matters. I just don't know about a lot in life right now - and the Jill situation is always a complicated mess. I can't decide what I'm going to do if she calls me. I have already decided it's best not to call her - because I'd just call her tomorrow... Am I going to not answer if she calls me? Am I going to get an attitude if I talk to her because I'm thinking we should still be together? Will she even call me - am I worrying about nothing.
It's not that I don't want to see her - I just don't know how. if someone could suggest how to do it, please do.
"So if jill were to beat her head into a desk in a room far away from everything... would anyone hear it? o.0" -Jill
Of course someone would hear it - I assume Jill would.
Here's a better question.
"Can anyone hear this?"