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Tuesday, March 6th, 2012
4:18 pm
"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before, she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? He's not perfect. You aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don't hurt him, don't change him, and don't expect more than he can give. Don't analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he's not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don't exist, but there's always one guy that is perfect for you."

-Bob Marley

I'm not particularly a Bob Marley fan, nor a fan of his fans, but hey, I didn't have anywhere else to put this.

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Sunday, March 4th, 2012
12:46 am - Extreme rush of hatred

Ann just left, crying. Really what the fuck is wrong with me. She came over and we were going to watch Saw, and drink, and everything was going to be great.

Okay, several things are going through my mind right now. Why do I feel that it's necessary to open up to her so much. What am I trying to accomplish? She pushes me to say every little thing on my mind, but then when I do, she ends up starting to cry, and running away. I hate the fact that I have no idea what's going through her head, and that that drives me crazy. I hate that I feel like I need to unload on her every little thing that I'm thinking. Okay, we get it, I'm fucking insanely crazily in love with this girl, she's not in love with me, and I have to keep pushing it.

Two whys come to mind. Why the hell am I doing this, I know that she doesn't feel the same way about me that I feel about her, why don't I just fucking stop putting myself in that situation? Why do I think that TELLING HER HOW I FEEL (ugh break every fucking rule and I'm SURPRISED that I'm heartbroken??) is going to have a positive effect? Somehow like she doesn't fucking know how I feel, and telling her is going to make her go crazy and jump on me? NO.

Why was my vision of the evening this:
She comes over, we start drinking, we watch saw, she's horny, I'm horny, we fuck. Why was I deluding myself into thinking that that was a likely scenario? Fuck, I wanted that all fucking week. I even bought fucking condoms. Yeah +1 for optimism, -1000 for fucking realism.

Dude. Future Jeremy, if you're reading this. For fuck's sake. FOLLOW THE FUCKING SYSTEM.

Ann can't possibly be worth this. Jill sure wasn't, Samm wasn't. Why is she any different? She isn't. You're going to meet another girl. She's going to love you, possibly forever, possibly not, but don't fucking fall into that trap.


It's your fault you felt bad tonight. I hope to God that when you reread this that you've smartened up.

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Monday, February 27th, 2012
10:31 pm - A triumphant return!
2012. Wow. The last time I posted here it was my 21st birthday. It's pretty crazy to reread some of the posts that I had in the past, and honestly not remember everything about what I was thinking/feeling/doing at the time when I wrote them. My life has sure changed since then, in a few ways, though funnily enough, I think that I am destined to repeat my troubles with women ad infinium.

I've debated keeping a journal, or a blog throughout the last few years, but never really kept to anything. I think this is probably a decent place to do that, as I highly doubt any of my friends still uses livejournal, and if any of you do, and you read this, hey, we should get together! I'm sure it's been far too long.

I think that the point of the journal, as always, is going to be for me to jot down everything that's going on with me romantically, so that I can have a chronology, and let's face it, a decent laugh at myself down the line. I don't really have an active outlet for writing, and perhaps I could do well to have this. This is probably also influenced by the current torment of my life, who has a very literary focus, but any inspiration for a (hopefully) positive change is good, even if it's silly.

I don't know that I could honestly go into the level of detail that I would have had I kept this thing up, so there's going to be a pretty big gap here, as far as my dating life is concerned. I will rough out an outline of everything briefly, and may come back and fill in some details, but it may just work out to pick up from the present, rather than capture the past incorrectly.

To whomever is reading this. I don't have a good idea of who my target audience is. Maybe this is just for myself, maybe this is for future kids when they think their dating problems are bad, maybe this is a way for a future woman to get to know me better (this I doubt, I can't imagine that seeing my thoughts and feelings about other women would be a beneficial thing to a relationship, but who knows).

I'll start with a brief summary of my life during my 21st year:
-I moved into my first apartment with my roommate Jeremy Kent. We got along well, and had a pretty good run. As far as women were concerned, Jill was a occasional feature, and I probably harbored some feelings towards Samm, though she wasn't available. I started working at the Virginia Credit Union, and met a few girls there, both members of the bank, and co-workers.

-I moved into an apartment by myself when Jeremy moved in with Amanda (who he later married). I remember a few choice moments, ranging from Donovan fucking some random girl on my couch whilst the girl I was supposed to be with was drunk passed out/puking in my bathroom. I think I got the losing end of that deal. She had issues (like every girl I seem to pick up) anyway, so it was probably for the best. I met a girl named Amanda online (on Match.com), and after a slow start (where she had another guy over on our 2nd date and I stopped calling her) we somehow started dating, and dated for a few years.

-I moved to Northern Virginia at some point for a job, and ended up basically living like a homeless person out of my truck for a few months (more about this to come later probably), but continued dating Amanda until around Christmastime. She made out with some guy at a party, and I was stressed by the long distance (and the fact that she didn't enjoy sex), and we ended things on fairly good terms (we're still friends, and she's actually getting married in a few months). Jill popped in here and there afterwards.

-Random Jill encounters, though distance and our personalities made it pretty clear that a real relationship would never happen, but whatever we're friendly still. Summer comes around and I meet Ann. Oh Ann. Ann probably requires more explanation than I feel this post will do justice, so I'll just leave it at, more will probably follow. Short version is that we meet online (Okcupid.com) and date until February or so, then we proceed to have a hard time de-tangling.

-Ann starts dating someone else, so we stop speaking. Jill again around briefly. (Haha I refuse to learn my lesson) I meet a girl Claire online (okcupid.com) I'm just not attracted to her so after a short period I break things off, though she's pretty in to me (which is nice for a first) and I end up keeping her around longer than I probably should, until I finally cement things as friend only. Then for some reason Ann and I start speaking again, and really more complicated nonsense than I can fit here ensues.

-Ann complicated nonsense ensues. Around November Ann and I make a serious run at dating again, which goes horribly wrong, though we remain friends, there's no spark. Ann moves a few streets away from me, and that just about brings us up to date.

I *REALLY* cut down the Ann stuff. I really don't know where to begin on that, but it brings us to the present, so I'll just pick up here as if the reader knows everything, and if I'm feeling it, will elaborate later.

Ann just left. I told her that I was going to be looking for a job somewhere other than Northern Virginia, and made it clear that the reason I was doing that was to get away from her. Not from a 'fuck you if you don't want to be with me' standpoint, but from a 'If I'm so in love with you and it's not happening I really need to get away to get over you'. She seemed upset, but maintained that she had no interest in being with me, which I know, and I'm not upset about. Moving away is a drastic move, but it's something I probably have to do to actually move on, as nothing else has worked. She seems convinced that this won't be the end for us, and while I would love to think that, the truth is that if it were meant to be, we should just be together. No relationship that's healthy is this complicated. I've debated simply telling her that I moved without actually moving, but I think she'd probably catch wind of that in short order.

The whole deal has taught me several things. I probably broke every rule of the System going after her, and I repeated my mistakes over and over again, and all I'm getting for it is pain, so hopefully this will reinforce my resolve for next time. Again, the point of this writing is to give me an outlet besides Ann, or my friends to go to.

There are things that I think that I have improved. Jill was not a perfect angel by any stretch of the imagination, but as I look back on some of the writing, and some of the approaches I took towards her when we were together, I can see that I have changed. I was pretty horrible to her at times, and I didn't care, I was self-righteous about it, that's something that I hope I've improved on with age. I haven't changed the fact that I'm striking out with women, and that I feel the need to 'whine' about it here, though of all the things I could do, that can't possibly be the worst.

Here's hoping that the next few posts are something interesting and new dating related, though as I type this I know they'll be about Ann, until I can better untangle. And if it helps, fuck it.

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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
1:16 am
Finally Legal!

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Sunday, May 28th, 2006
10:25 pm
Ahh, what a wonderful day.

Let's see, I woke up at 10 or so, and left my house on a motorcycle adventure around 11. I went to my gandparents house, and my dad, my grandfather, and I set off on a ride. We went all the way out to Soldier's Creek in Amelia, and 2 hours later arrived back at their house.

Nobody that I called wanted to play with me :( , so I decided I'd keep riding around for a bit on my own. It was such a beautiful day, I rode into Cary Street, to see what was going on, and then rode around the city for an hour or so. I rode along the James River past Pony Pastures, then decided to take off the other direction and drove about 8 miles along the James in the other drection. I found a lot of new riding roads, and one day hope to afford a house like the ones lining the river. I finally turned around when I stumbled across Alliance territory, I don't have a place to store images, but I took a picture of the sign proclaiming that I had found IronForge.

After I had almost made it home Samm called me back and we decided to go on a ride, so I turned around and went back to her place. We went on a *very* short ride, (Next time you're in front Samm) and then decided to both ride my bike up to Smoothie King. We met up with Kiesha and ate at Mary Angelos. Mmm pastrami is the best meat ever. Samm paid for my meal (thank you thank you thank you thank you) even though she didn't have to (thank you thank you thank you) and we walked arm in arm down Cary Street. Everything felt so wonderful, the weather was perfect and I had my two lovely ladies escorting me around town. Samm and I then headed back to her place and I managed to pee without farting... (don't ask) and I am now enjoying, and about to enjoy more when I'm done typing this, something I haven't had for a little while now. Lying here in Samm's bed, with my empty ice cream bowl laying on her handcuffs, everything feels so good. What a wonderful day!

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Thursday, April 13th, 2006
4:40 pm
I find myself typing in long ass entries (like the last one about Jill) a lot - then deleting them once I post them. Just typing them seems to help. And nothing good really comes of them anyway.

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12:36 pm
First my day, then my rant/on what I'm currently pised at.

It was a beautiful day, I woke up at 8AM and had not a thing in the world to do. I decided that it would be a good idea to go to Sunday Park and rollerblade. So I hopped on the ROFLCHOPPER and donned my LOLLERSKATES... wait a minute nevermind...

So I went to the park and started skating. Two minutes later I realized that I had forgotten the most important thing I knew about skating before I started... "I can't skate for shit" so since I don't know how to stop properly, I managed to get going really fast on uneven terrain, decide - oh shit this is too fast - and in my attempt to slow down without plunging into the water - I ran myself into a tree that i figured I could absorb the shock with my arms. Two bloody knees and a bloody arm later I figured out that was a bad idea.

Ouch my body hurts. So I went to grab lunch with Jeremy, headed to panera for wifi, and played wow for a bit.

I'm bored of this entry so I'm gonna wow now ;)

I go through phases in my life. There are a few main ones that I can categorize, and I don't realize when they happen but all of a sudden I realize I have shifted again into one of them.

There's the new relationship phase, I have found a new signifigant person in my life and all I want to do is spend time with this person and make out with them and be happy doing stupid things for them and having the same reflected at me.

There's the current relationship phase, where I've been in a relationship awhile and everything gets comfortable, I of course like being with and seeing the other person and one of two things will have happened. I have pretty much stopped hanging out or doing anything with anyone else, and get to the point where it seems like the only person I know is the girl i'm with. Another characteristic of this phase is that girls that i don't know somehow sense that I'm taken and use that opportunity to hit on me, whereas when I'm not they dissappear.

Theres the robotic Jeremy phase - the one I think I'm currently in right now. Most of my normal day to day functions feel like they are automated - sleep, eat, work, school, repeat, endlessly. I am a polite person by nature, yes, some of you may know me as being an asshole, but I do have deep rooted values, and instincts/habits that I prize. During this phase I pride myself on them even more. Be it holding the door for a stranger, waving people on in traffic, or general things like that. Related somehow, I don't know exactly how, is my priding myself on using proper english. Not necessarialy in all speech, but in written form. Unless there is something pressing and huge you may notice that I will always use proper punctuation and capitalization, and spelling, especially in instant messages. In some small way this makes me feel superior, and that may come off as arrogant.

The point.

A friend of mine, whom I will call Jeff, and I thought I knew well, just fucked me over. I was blindsided by it, and am not going to go into detail or mention real names, because the actual incident isn't the point. The point is that in my feelings of superiority I completely missed the set up. And that bothers me. The fact that this 'friend' of mine still considers us to be good friends does too. Since it's such a complicated mess, suffice to say I haven't let on that I noticed my friend fucking me, and so he's going on his merry way. I let something, I dunno what, slip, and he asked what was wrong with me. Why, the confrontational person that I am, did I feel it polite, or whatever it was, to look straight back into those eyes, and say that nothing was wrong. Why couldn't I just scream - YOU! YOU'RE THE PROBLEM DAMNIT! Even screaming isn't what I would like. Why can't I just punch him in the head? Confusion is weakness!

Why did I allow Jeff to fuck me so bad? I don't know. It's really hard too when I see him, how am I supposed to act? I could just tell him to fuck off, throw the fact that I know what he's done in his face. But logic doesn't warrant that. I don't know if Jeff even knows how bad he's fucking me, and ever since the whole Samm fiasco I told myself that I'm never going to completely "./FUCKOFFDIE.SH" any of my friends again.

I need an outlet and I suppose this has been it.

Time to play WoWcraft while I still can. Thx for the free WiFi Panera - I love you.

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Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
2:40 am
Warning: the following goes from rant to outright jill bashing...Collapse )

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Monday, February 27th, 2006
6:21 am
Bored - reading friends of friends livejournals and I come across one of the most insightful thoughts I've seen in a long time, in the form of a reply to a friend of a friend's journal.

And as if that weren't vaugue enough - I'm not going to bother giving this person credit - but here's what he had to say

It may seem like I’m the totally wrong guy to give advice on romance because after all I’m still single. But I may just be the perfect guy to lend some perspective on the whole game. Read what I have to say and decide for yourself. Throw it out if you don’t like it.

You feel bad because you think you’re second best after all, why else are you being passed over for some other girl right? Well, not necessarily, and in your case certainly not. Love and relationships are not about who’s better and who’s worse. Sure there’s an element of that, but it’s really more about who’s right and who’s wrong for any given person. You’re not second best, you’re just wrong for this particular guy.

You are different from most people. In fact you’re special, but being special doesn’t always make life easy. Being special you are actually better than most of the other girls around, but you are also wrong for most of the guys. You’re just not a match. You need to find a guy that’s also special, and in the right kind of way. This can be difficult because there is a smaller concentration of special people in the human population (unlike cats who are all special :-).

Most people will tell you that one of the most important factors in making a relationship work is patience. I believe that’s true, and it’s also very important before you have a relationship. You can’t just fall in live with any person who looks good, and expect the relationship to work. If that were true than all the guy would be lining up to date you because you look great. But that just isn’t enough. You have to be patient and wait ‘til you find a guy who’s just the right kind of different. Once you do, you’ll be surprised how differently things will work out.

I have quite a few friends who have “problems” similar to the ones you’ve described. The REAL problem they have is quite different if you ask me. In my opinion they long for the relationship so strongly that they feel as if they can’t live without it. Going into a relationship with this mindset is a mistake that will tax even a potentially good relationship. I believe that you have to come to a point of emotional maturity wherein you are content with life as a single person before you can have a shot at being part of a happy couple. If I were you, I’d work on that. The right guy will come along, or he will not. You can’t make it happen, but you can be happy either way.

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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
5:51 pm
Warning: the following scenes prove two things...
2- Julie is a dumbass.

Intrigued?Collapse )

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Friday, February 17th, 2006
1:56 am
This was taken from Kellett's Journal, and is interesting - let's see what you guys think.

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Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
10:09 pm - Valentine's day.
I find it amusing, (and only so because amusement is better than despair), that it sucks worse breaking up with someone you aren't even dating.

Pretty much everyone saw it coming and knows by now, and if not now you do, Jill and I "broke up" again and finally today, exactly one year to the day of when we first got together. It was a confusing end to a confusing relationship - and I think I can safely say that there is probably more confusion in store for us, if we remain a part of the other's lives.

We both like each other. Even now. A lot. She still wants to be friends of course, and I don't know how to handle that. I'm hoping that the LJ community of 4 people that read my sorry excuse for a rant/whine journal can help me on this one. My 'normal' way of dealing with this sort of thing would be to walk out of her house of her life and not speak to, or interact with her in any way. This would be in an attempt to forget about her, what she means to me, and how she makes me feel. I have done this before. I did this to Samantha, and am still sorry that I did. Samm - I know you read my journal - I know that was one of the bigger mistakes of my life, and I am sorry. I am truly glad that, even though we don't see each other as often as we should, we are still friends again, and want you to know that.

Back to Jill though - I don't want to repeat my mistake with Samm. I also don't want to take what some have told me is the 'dick' path and not interact with her. This is so confusing. I know the obvious solution would be "well then Jeremy, simply don't do that" but even that is difficult. Whenever I see her i'd have to tread lightly - attempt to seal myself off from any feelings I have about her. I have many feelings about her, as I mentioned before, we both still like each other. I kissed her tonight, to see if maybe - just maybe - it wouldn't be good - and I could use that as a basis for driving her out of my mind. That plan failed horribly. All I could think about while kissing her was how wonderful the feeling was and how I wanted more. And that is not going to be acceptable if I'm to continue being friends with her. Brent - I don't remember why you and her broke up the first time, but i know that in the meanwhile you guys were just friends, how did you do that? Did you just suppress your feelings? Was the breakup for good enough reason that it didn't pose a problem?

"Moving out" of her apartment was difficult - I had a lot of things left over there and I felt like a bad guy for taking some of the stuff back. I don't really have much use for another playstation, and will probabably end up selling it - Is it a bad thing that I didn't just leave it with her? I of course didn't take anything that I gave her, but some of the things I was letting her borrow I at least assume were part of her life in a large way. She used the PS/2 to play DVDS, she used the computer to play World of Warcraft, and check out myspace, and work on her game plasma stuff. I don't even know what I'm going to do with ANOTHER computer, I don't really need it like the extra ps/2, but I don't feel like I should have just given it to her. AARGH. It's all just STUFF, but it seemed important at the time to get it all back.

Now I feel as though I am rambling. I know Jill is going to read this - and I don't know if that even matters. I just don't know about a lot in life right now - and the Jill situation is always a complicated mess. I can't decide what I'm going to do if she calls me. I have already decided it's best not to call her - because I'd just call her tomorrow... Am I going to not answer if she calls me? Am I going to get an attitude if I talk to her because I'm thinking we should still be together? Will she even call me - am I worrying about nothing.

It's not that I don't want to see her - I just don't know how. if someone could suggest how to do it, please do.

"So if jill were to beat her head into a desk in a room far away from everything... would anyone hear it? o.0" -Jill
Of course someone would hear it - I assume Jill would.

Here's a better question.
"Can anyone hear this?"

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, January 12th, 2006
2:30 pm
I still haven't gotten my info packet from the Army that I sent for. I'm surprised, since I was under teh impression that they were trying to get people to join, and that they's like mail it to me soon. Oh well. I'm still actively looking into joining.

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Sunday, January 8th, 2006
6:58 am - Johnny get your gun, get your gun, get your gun.
Uh oh, I'm starting to think about doing something very drastic.

I am worthless. I live with my parents, I work at a gas station, I have no car, this semester I'm signed up for one class. I'll probably never finish college. And that's not how I see myself. I am capable of much more. I've been doing some thinking and something needs to change. I need something to break me out of this rut I'm in and make me a functional adult. I don't knwo what is happening or is going to happen between Jill and I but I feel as if if I were worth a damn I would have already had that straightned out. I have seen lately a lot of people having various problems and saying how great it would be to go far far away and everyone would be better in a different place. I don't think the change of scenery is the whole thing, I think changing the scenery and changing oneself might be the answer. I began to think, and try to figure out what I could do to make myself worth something, and the same answer keeps coming to me, the one that I was considering about this time of year last year, and now I almost wish I had done. It's too early to tell, because I will probably want to think pretty deeply about it, but I need to get myself physically and mentally into better shape. I should be getting my information packet shortly, is this the right choice for me, *shrug* I'll adapt, and I can't imagine how it could be a bad thing, unless I die, but, then there's less to worry about.

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
7:04 am - new years resolution
This year, my new year's resolution,
Be nice.

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Saturday, December 31st, 2005
2:33 am - bang
shoot me.

I am not doing anything right lately. Well, I suppose that's not true. Lets try talking about good things first. I don't know what it's like to have a day off any more. I work nonstop at Sheetz, and I'm getting money, finally, even though it's at the expense of my sanity. I'm so miserable with my life right now though. Everything that I kind of had with Jill is slipping through the cracks, and it's horible. I did the stupidest thing I could do and called her on her birthday and made her feel bad. As anyone who reads her journal probably figured out, yeah, that was me, captian amazing. So I feel like she's ignoring me or doing her best to avoid me and I already miss her. I miss her calling me, and I have to try 10 times before she will answer when I call. I miss her visiting me at work, I miss her inviting me over, I miss her smiling at me, I miss her leaving me cute text messages, an happy messages on aim to wake up to. I miss her calling me to tell me to visit her at work or she'll get upset, I miss her piece of shit car, I miss kissing her, I miss making love to her, I miss holding her, I miss smelling her, I miss "where'd you go?", I miss playing Magic, I really really miss falling asleep beside her, I miss how cute she gets around animals, I miss taking her on motorcycle rides, and taking my hands off the handlebars just to have her hold me tighter, I miss her cooking for me, I miss her holding my hand, I miss making her laugh because I'm stupid, I miss Wal-Mart, I miss just being with her, I miss feeling special because I have her, I even miss the things that I didn't even know I liked, like her tattos, or her belly button piercing, or her bunny. I even miss DDR.

and the worst part of it is... it's not even been a week. I feel like she's gone, and I'm just now realizing exactly how much stuff she does that makes me happy that I take for granted, and how much I need it to function normally. I realize a big chunk of what I'm doing wrong in the relationship, and want to fix it so badly, but at the same time, I feel so desperate, like the end is already here and we are just noticing now. This can't be how it's going to be. She means a lot to me, even if I don't really show it in front of anybody...

I promise theres more to me than anal sex...

Did I mention that I miss kissing her?

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Sunday, December 25th, 2005
7:19 am

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Saturday, December 24th, 2005
9:33 pm - Merry christmas from Sheetz inc.
I hate everything. As of late things aren't really going my way. The tuition reimbursement I thought I was going to get from Sheetz isn't going to happen, and on top of that I just found out I'm not eligable for it until fall 2006. I have to work tonight, Christmas eve, And didn't get a chance to sleep much today because I was with the family in Fredricksburg, and we left shortly after I got off work. I tried to set things straighter with Jill about what's happening between us, and even as I type this I'm flashing back to the 'good ole' Jacqueline days. I suppose the situation was different, but I can't help worrying that the same thing will happen with Jill as Jacqueline. I feel bad about it too, calling her at 3AM on christmas eve to tell her that I'm not happy with how things are. I need something solid. I know that I probably upset her last night, and the best time for that probably isn't right before Christmas and her birthday, so I feel worse. I just want to crawl away somewhere warm and sleep for a year or so... maybe everything will make sense...
Anyone who knows Jill and I what do you think? Is our relationship fixable, does it even exist? what can I do?
People misunderstand the whole thing about her and Fortin, I usually do too, but I try really hard not to. I get upset a lot of the time not at him, but at her, because he obviously means a lot to her, and I am just jealous. I probably show this in a way that people mistake.

Everyone says I'm mean, I'm not. I just do things differently.

Whatever happens, I wish it to HAPPEN, because this is making me feel awful.

Time for work... Hope everyone gets what they want for Christmas, there's still time...

current mood: cold tired lonely upset

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
5:15 am
Wow, I sure am a fat fuck.Collapse )

current mood: grumpy

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Thursday, December 1st, 2005
6:44 pm
Here's a costume idea - sorta skimpy so be careful about clickingCollapse )

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